Best of Twitter 2008

Because Twitter is perfect for short snappy thoughts, I’ve put together a list of some of the more amusing, (or just weird), tweets I’ve made from the past year. Here’s to another year of Twitter!

• Just seen ‘Enchanted’… Me and the girlfriend were the only couple in the audience without children. She’d better not be getting ideas #
• Graham at work “So you see… it is dangerous giving a child batteries to play with” #
• Dipping in and out of Elizabethtown, looks rather sweet but why does Kirsten Dunst look good in films, but like Praying Mantis in real life? #
• Keira Knightley: “I’m too dark in my soul to ever do a comedic role. I’m afraid I’d make a fool of myself.” You thought Pirates was serious? #
• So tell me, in what other industry is the grammatical accuracy of porn movie titles a serious conversation topic? #
• Playing with Keynote. I feel like Al Gore… only slimmer. #
• Just what did Rumplestiltskin want with the Queen’s first-born child? I suspect he must have been a midget priest. #
• Eamonn Holmes on Sky News: “The Dalai Lama will resign. I didn’t know you could resign from being a spiritual leader.” #
• Easter is more fun, (& child friendly), as the secular bunny-hiding-eggs version, than the Christian crucifixion/resurrection unpleasantness. #
• Best text received in a long time, send from my friend Gary: “Can anyone shed any light on why i have a tree trunk in my boot?” #
• I don’t get this US thing about flag pins. If I wore a British flag pin, I’d get accused of being a fascist (BNP) or an idiot (UKIP) #
• When will the girlfriend realise I have no interest, whatsoever, in shoes? None. I really don’t care. They exist only to keep my socks dry. #
• Someone really needs to make a ‘Eat, Sleep, and Wii’ t-shirt. #
• Astrology proved to be bollocks: http://xrl.us/bjryw from the ‘no shit Sherlock’ school of journalism. #
• There is something disappointing about starting your day to find that Amy Winehouse is still alive. Still, better luck tomorrow. #
• My mum just showed me a crabapple tree. I asked if it grew sideways, and she stared blankly at me. Sigh, wasted here I am. #
• Just seen a man make a balloon animal whilst driving in the fast lane of the M6. I’m stunned. #
• Please stop referring to Amy Winehouse as ‘Troubled’. She isn’t troubled, she is a fucking idiot. Lets ignore her, and maybe she’ll go away. #
• Trying to understand a French joke about an owl that farts. I think something is lost in the translation. #
• Sky News: “Gordon Brown To Face Media At Press Conference” - The ‘no shit Sherlock’ headline of the day. #
• Can someone please explain to me, exactly what is the point of Robert Scoble? I mean… what is he for? #
• Kitler was sitting on my car when I came out the door… Plotting… Cat things. #
• So I said what’s your favourite movie? She told me “White Chicks”… I drew the evenings proceedings to a close. #
• “Ian Hislop’s Scouting for Boys” Not a great title for a TV show. #
• The tea stain on my Mr Men cup make’s Mr Happy look like Hitler. And I don’t think the Nazis ever approved of yellow balls on legs. #
• Question posed at work: “I appreciate how pubes end up on the urinal… but how do they get on the sink?” #
• Conversations overheard: “There’s a dead starling in my chair. You need to come and see this in situ!” #
• The Sun will drop its price nation-wide to 30p on Monday… the quality of journalism will stay unchanged at total shit. #
• It is somewhat ironic that no one actually can remember the names of any of the cast from the 1980 film ‘Fame’ #
• Understatement of the day: “The IRA were a bit naughty back in the day” (overheard at work). #
• The stupidest question posed today, “Bono; how does he keep this feet on the ground?”. It is like asking, “how to whales stay aerodynamic?” #
• My summary of Sky News’ A-Level results coverage today: there are an awful lot of ugly kids in Manchester. #
• @darrenscott on the subject of GTA IV for the PS3: “you’ve not killed hookers, until you’ve done it in HD!” #
• Received SMS from a friend regarding Zelda; “Tried to get Link to fish… got bored and decided to kill prostitutes on the PS3 instead”. #
• Question posed by my girlfriend: “Do you want to see Gary Glitter in concert at Christmas? He is performing with The National Youth Choir”. #
• Old joke time… Two birds were sitting on a perch. One bird turned to the other and asked: “Do you smell something fishy?” #
• I realise this is really childish, I’ve been giggling for ages over the headline: “Dyke attacks Downing Street” http://snurl.com/3phlw #
• What? Mandelson returns to government? The only man in Politics who buys additional cupboards to keep his skeletons in! #
• Interesting fact #2: I am the top Google result for ‘testically fondled’… An amusing back story really. #
• I can’t decide… is the phrase “harder to find than a toddler’s G-spot” crossing the line? Too far over the boundary of taste and decency? #
• My girlfriend is buying new glasses. I am now apparently dating Woody Allen. #
• Text from friend: “Just met a photographer from Daily Mail, he said all the overtime from the Baby P story let him buy a new winter coat.” #

If you like what you’ve been reading, please follow me on Twitter!